Matthew and the Origins of Rap Music!

Yeah, I think I have figured both of them out, but you have to get through a few jokes and a very serious statement first.

Statement: They say all child molesters and rapists were abused as children. I say, once you convict them, execute the mother and father too. How about we start using the "Electric Couch!" That would damn sure get my vote!

OK, now the jokes.

I woke up the other night, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other. Hell, I damn near ran off the road! That stuff WILL kill you!

Seriously, though, I do want to teach you the proper way to fart in bed. This one is all me, so pay attention. First, you take your arms out from under the covers, hold the sheets and blankets as tight as you can around your neck and shoulders, like when you immitate a chicken. Hands at your throat and your elbows out. FART. Then, raise up one foot and let it fall back to the bed. All the air rushes out from under the covers on your wife/husband's side. This achieves the maximum effect. Repeat for fun! Public Service Announcement over.

When Angie and I first got married, we had a rabbit. It was free. One day, the rabbit got sick. Angie said we should take it to the vet. I said, "Are you kidding me, take a free rabbit to the vet, no damn way!" So, later at the vet, we found out that the rabbit was in a coma. I said, "Hell, pull the plug now, I see 4 potential 'Lucky Feet' in there."

If you pull a sheet of toilet paper off the roll to blow your nose, does that sheet consider itself 'lucky'?

Do you think recycled toilet paper says, "I don't think I can go through this shit again!"?

True story. There was a straight man who killed a homosexual man for making a pass at him. He used the 'Unwanted Homosexual Advance' defence at his trial. He now is in prison learning what a true unwanted homosexual advance is.

Angie is a woman who can kick some ass. When we leave someplace and she says, "I'm cold." I don't give her my coat, hell no, I say, "If you're cold, go take her coat."

OK, on to Matthew and the Origins of Rap Music.

Let's do the Rap first.

You remember when we were kids and you could cut a record off the back of a cereal box. If you actually put it on the record player, it sounded like you were playing music off of a paper plate, which you were. Skips, missed and garbled words, funky beat. That is where Rap came from. All those poor kids and their cereal jams.

I love the fact that Matthew eats some of the same cereals that I did growing up, but it took me 15 years to learn that Fruity Pebbles was just colored sugar. Now, they have frosted Fruity Pebbles. Jesus, sugar coated sugar, that has to be a 6 day buzz in and of itself. We can never feed him this. If we did, we would find him, buck naked, hanging from a tree in Brazil, no idea how he got there, chewing on coffee beans, just to keep the buzz going. The sad part of this joke is, if you know Matthew, it's all too possible.

J